


You Don't Have Any Other Friends

by dara3008



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: A lot of them - Freeform, Canonical Character Death, Evan is bi in case you wondered, Gay Alana Beck, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, So does Evan, also gay Jared, because Connor you know, because its just a must, because that is like my biggest headcanon, but they are working on that, he doesn't say it but he is, i guess each panic attack is different, i'm kinda writing from experience so it might be very accurate or not at all, if i need to add anything else feel free to tell me, jared has insecurities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-28 02:44:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15038942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dara3008/pseuds/dara3008
Summary: Evan tells Jared to shut up and Jared takes it a little too literally.It doesn't help that he keeps being haunted by certain words that have been hurled at him half a year ago.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so this started because I'm always a sucker for angsty, literal shutting up.  
> A friend dragged me into several Musical fandoms and DEH is just the most recent one. I just fell so hard for Evan and Jared, and generally Ben Platt and Will Roland, just so much.
> 
> So some warnings, I guess:  
> Jared has a panic attack that is semi described.  
> There's also some self depricating thoughts all around.
> 
> Those boys are broken and they talk about it.

Jared had been talking. It's what he was good at. He didn't remember what about anymore, but he had been talking and ignoring all the signs that Evan was getting annoyed. Sure, they had met up to study but Jared had been bored so he had talked. A lot.

And then, out of nowhere - of course it wasn't out of nowhere, he had just been too _dumb_ to see it coming - Evan had slammed his pen down and had yelled, "Jesus, Jared just sh-shut up for a moment!"

Jared had laughed at first - _idiot, idiot, idiot!_ \- and had continued talking. "What got your panties in a twist, Hansen, Christ. I was just-"

"No!" This time he hadn't laughed. Evan had sounded upset. He had sounded genuinely angry and for a second Jared was thrust back. Back to a year ago. Back to _'pretending to be a kid who killed himself!'_ "Seriously, sh-shut up or leave!"

And Jared had winced, eyes wide. But Evan hadn't even looked at him anymore, back to concentrating on the notes in front of him. "S-sorry." Jared had muttered, slumping down onto the floor and staring at his own notes. He had been shocked speechless to be honest.

Evan had never yelled at him like this before - except of course he had, Jared just didn't like to _think_ about it. So he had sat there, quiet, staring blankly at his notes. Until - to his horror - he had realized that his vision had slowly started to blur. With a clearing of his throat, he had jumped up, had shoved his things into his bag and had left the room.

Evan hadn't called out to him, to stop him. He had only heard him sigh, long and annoyed.

_Fuck._

He had walked home, air clearing his head a little. He hadn't cried, thankfully. And once he had reached his house, the shock had slowly started to turn to anger.

_What the fuck?_

Why had Evan yelled at him like that? It's not like they hadn't done a lot of studying before Jared had started talking. He would…

Jared had slammed his bag down next to his bed and had lied down. He would show him! Jared just wouldn't talk to Evan _at all_ anymore, he would see how much he missed his voice!

Obviously Evan wouldn't survive long without Jared's amazing company and commentary.

_He would see!_

Determined, Jared had sworn to only communicate by nodding or shaking his head from then on.

_He would see._

 

 ---

 

Now though, Jared was blankly staring at the mystery sludge, the cafeteria called food. He moved it around his plate, from one side to the other, not really listening to anything his friends were saying. _Hah. Friends._

Jared had held true to his word and hadn't spoken at all with anyone expect for nods and shakes. So far nobody had asked what that was about.

It had been a week.

 _Friends._ He smiled down at the slush bitterly. _Friends._

"Jared, are you gonna eat that or just play with it the whole time?" Alana's voice broke him out of his drifting thoughts and he looked up at her, only to see the whole table staring at him. The whole table meaning Lana, Zoe and Evan of course.

He blinked for a second, and then shook his head and stood up. He wordlessly left the table to return his tray.

Out of the corner of his eyes he saw his friends share looks and start muttering. He swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat.

_'Maybe the only reason you talk to me, Jared is because you don't have any other friends!'_

Hmmm.

His heart was starting to beat faster and he quickly tossed the tray onto the counter, making a beeline for the exit.

_They didn't care._

It was slowly sinking in that they genuinely didn't care if he was talking or not.

_Hah._

Sight blurring like it had last week, he dashed out of the school completely, all the way to the parking lot.

_Fuck._

This time the tears didn't stop. This time they started to roll down his cheeks, falling against his moving legs as he slowed down next to his car.

 _They didn't care_ , he thought as he sunk down against it, out of sight from the school entrance and the windows.

_They didn't care._

Alana was really only hanging out with him because she also didn't have anyone else. Zoe was... he didn't really know what Zoe was. She was Evan's friend - or whatever they were, not that Jared cared either way - not his. And Evan...

Evan had told him to shut up and had never taken it back. Evan had seen him for 7 days -weekends included - and had not heard a single word from him and hadn't asked. Evan, who was supposedly his best friend.

_They didn't care._

And in a way he couldn't even fault them. Jared knew he was an asshole most of the time. Sure, he had tried to be better after the whole... well _after_. But apparently it hadn't been enough. Apparently they still...

And he had known, in a way. The whole thing, the whole petty no talking thing had been less about proving something to Evan, it was more about proving something to himself. That the people around him _would_ care. That the people around him...

_'No other friends.'_

Right. Jared didn't have friends. Jared had acquaintances, school acquaintances. And Evan. But Evan didn't...

Honestly it was even a miracle that Evan was still spending time with him in the first place. Jared didn't really know how he deserved that. Sure Evan had hurt him, too. Crushed him really, but that was beside the point. Jared had been a complete and utter dick to Evan before that, so really it was his own fault to begin with.

_Maybe..._

He curled into himself, chin resting on his knees.

_Maybe this was for the best? Maybe they would actually like him, now that he didn't talk. Maybe this would work out._

He choked a little and buried his head in his knees.

_Maybe they would like him now?_

 

 ---

 

So he didn't talk. He didn't talk in class, unless the teacher called on him. He always sent in his assignments so no one could complain.

He didn't talk to his - _hah_ \- friends, and they also didn't complain. He sometimes saw them look at him weird, especially Evan, but no one asked.

No one.

At first he still talked to his parents but the less he talked at school, the less he had to talk about at home. So there, too, he slowly became silent. And if he once overheard his parents talking about how _surprisingly polite_ he now seemed, well then that only encouraged him to continue.

And if sometimes, when a teacher called on him in a class that he shared with one of his... whatever, and Jared wasn't prepared for it... if he sometimes panicked and shook his head. If he sometimes rushed to the bathroom afterwards to collapse against the wall, heart beating wildly in his chest, breath coming strained, because _he had almost goddamned talked around his friends, fuck!_

Well then no one had to know, right? No one had to know, but him.

It's been a month since Evan had told him to shut up. And well… everyone seemed to be content with the situation so who was Jared to change it?

_And that was fine._

They didn't want him to be... him. So it had to be enough.

_It was enough._

 

 ---

 

Sometime along the line it became hard to hang out with them. Not hard to not talk, he was surprisingly good at being silent, who knew. But it became hard because they slowly started to ask questions that were hard to answer non-verbally. Or they purposely discussed things that would usually sent him into rants or monologues.

They tried to get him to talk, so they've definitely noticed that something was up, and yet no.one.asked.why.

So he didn't. He didn't hang out with them, that is.

Jared still answered texts, albeit as briefly as possible. So if anyone asked him to hang out, he declined. Blamed it on school work, his parents, anything.

But then a month and a half into the whole thing, Evan suddenly got fed up again. They were at lunch and Evan asked him if he had time today after school to hang out. Jared shrugged his shoulders, and then shook his head, eyes firmly set on the cup of coffee in his hands.

Alana made a weird noise across from him, so he looked at her quizzically but her eyes were on Evan. Evan who sighed, sounding upset again. Jared blinked at him and saw the anger in his eyes. _What? But why..._

"Seriously, wh-what's the matter w-with you? Are we boring you?" Evan snapped and Jared winced. His eyes widened and he quickly shook his head no. _Of course not, why..._ "Then w-why are you being... like this? W-why aren't you talking to us?"

But... Jared blinked, heart jumping in his chest. But they didn't... but he...

_They didn't care! They showed him that they didn't care, why..._

He felt his eyes water, and took in a sharp breath, panic starting to set in.

_It wasn't enough. He wasn't enough. Wasn't changed enough. He was still upsetting them, he was still not..._

Evan's eyes widened when the first tear rolled down Jared's cheek, but before he could say anymore, Jared jumped up and ran out of the cafeteria.

He didn't run to his car this time, but to the bleachers. Farther away, farther out of sight, just farther.

Collapsing underneath, back against the crude metal fence, he fisted his hands into his hair. His breath was coming short and his heart was straining against his chest. Everything hurt, his lungs felt like they were about to collapse, both from the run and the lousy breathing.

 _Not enough_ , it was still not enough. They didn't like him when he talked, they didn't like him when he didn't talk, what was he supposed to do?

Sobs racked his body and he just couldn't breathe. The sound of his voice was starting to make him physically sick and fuck it was never enough.

_They just didn't like him. That's that. They didn't like him._

Evan had been right. He didn't have any friends.

He didn't.


	2. Chapter 2

He felt raw and tried when he finally calmed down. He just wanted to go home. Hopefully his parents were still at work, so he wouldn't have to explain why he looked like he did.

He cringed when he saw himself in the window of his car. His hair was a mess, his face was blotchy and red and his clothes were rumpled. Sighing, he unlocked the door and got in.

The drive home was slow and filled with music as loud as he could physically stand. He didn't want to think, he just wanted to drown out everything.

It was fine, really. The year was almost over, and after graduation he'd hopefully never have to see them again. He would move away, go to college, maybe make new - real - friends... maybe not. But that was fine. He could be alone. It was fine.

_All good._

 

_\---_

 

Except when he parked his car Evan fucking Hansen was sitting on his porch. Correction, had been sitting on his porch, but was now jumping up to run towards him. And Jared didn't know what to do. He looked like death, he felt like death and he really wasn't in the mood. So, in a moment of desperation and panic, he locked the car door.

Evan stopped in front of him and blinked, mouth slightly open in disbelieve. Well... nobody could say that Jared's impulse control was strong. It never had been.

So they started at each other through the driver's side window until he heard the muffled sound of Evan clearing his throat. "So... ok, uhm… wh-where were you? I've been looking everywh-where for you?"

Jared shrugged, hands tightening on the steering wheel.

"Can... could you please come out? Please, Jared, just..." Evan blinked again a few times and drove a hand through his hair. "I don't know wh-what happened."

Jared snorted slightly hysterically, looking out the front. _Don't know what happened?_ To be honest, neither did he really. Here he was, locked in his car, looking like a little kid that had just thrown a tantrum and Evan was standing outside not knowing what happened.

He was almost reminded of a similar situation when they had been kids. Jared had not understood Evan's anxiety at all when they first met and had been upset when Evan - _panicked and small Evan, Jesus Jared had been such a stupid child_ \- had refused to go with him to the mall. Jared had cried like an idiot and Evan had apologized at least a dozen times.

After, Evan had tried his best to explain his feelings to Jared, until Jared - not actually yet being a dick - had been the one to apologize. He wished he had never stopped being that kid.

Not hiding behind sarcasm and snark, apologizing when he was wrong, not afraid to be Evan's friend and defending him from asshole kids at school.

Why had he ever stopped?

_Oh right._

He knew why. Of course he knew.

It always came back to cowardice.

"Please Jared." He turned back to Evan again, only to be met with the Evan Hansen trademark sad look. Sighing audibly, he unlocked the door and pushed it open.

"Come with me," he said and shouldered past his best friend to the front door, leading him up to his room. Evan was staring at him unashamedly throughout the walk until Jared snapped. "What?"

The other jumped and averted his gaze. "Nothing, sorry." He fiddled with his sweater sleeve. "It's just... you haven't been talking to me."

"Yeah, I know." That had been the point after all. "I thought you've enjoyed that," he couldn't help but bitterly add. Sitting down in his desk chair, he started spinning slowly, to avoid looking at Evan.

The other made a weird sound, almost like a choke. "Wh-why would I enjoy that?" He sounded so genuinely confused that Jared couldn't help but stop spinning. Evan was standing in the middle of his room, fingers forcefully dug into his arm.

"Stop that," Jared said quietly and threw a balled up piece of paper at his hand. Evan winced and let his hands fall, red marks on his left arm where his fingers had been. Jared didn't like it when he hurt himself.

Evan cleared his throat and rubbed the spot. "Why would I enjoy that?" His voice sounded clearer than Jared had heard in years, but it immediately faltered again. "Wh-why were you... why were you c-crying?" _Fuck you, Evan_. He didn't say it. He couldn't. Tossing his glasses on his desk, Jared looked down at his lap and swallowed. "Why haven't-haven't you been talking to us, Jared?"

"Why do you care?" Feeling the panic slowly rise again, Jared sounded harsher than he had any right to be.

Evan frowned and took a step closer. "I don't understand. Of-ofcourse I care." He fumbled with his sleeve again. "Jared, you're my best friend."

A bitter laugh escaped Jared before he could stop it. "Sure, of course," he mumbled. He heard a shaky breath and looked up, only to see teary eyes. "Why the fuck are _you_ crying now?"

"I'm not." The other sniffed and Jared rolled his eyes. "I just thought... I just th-thought you finally saw us as f-friends." Evan hugged himself and he looked so _hurt_ that Jared felt physically sick.

"I do." He stressed. "You are my friend, Evan." He swallowed again, but couldn't stop looking at the other boy. _I’m just not sure I’m yours._

Evan frowned and took another step closer. "Well then wh-why-"

"Because you told me to shut up!" He froze mid step and blinked, while Jared squeezed his eyes shut.

"I..."

"You told me to shut up." He said fainter. "So I did, and somehow it seemed like everyone was happier when I was quiet." He couldn't open his eyes, couldn't face Evan now. "Listen, I thought if I stopped talking then my friends would actually like me, but you don't, so I have to deal with that now. Which would be easier if you just stopped pretending to like me and leave like everyone eventually does."

"Jared!" And just like that he was pulled out of the chair and felt arms around him. Fuck, Zoe was right, Evan gave the best hugs. But Jared couldn't enjoy it.

He pushed him away and crossed his arms. "Don't do that, please."

"Jared, wh-why do you think we don't-don't like you?" Evan looked positively crushed and Jared didn't know how to deal with that.

He shrugged, fingers digging into his arms, just as Evan had done before. "I don't know? Maybe because nobody asked why I wasn't talking for a month?"

"I thought you w-were angry with me." Evan had been picking at his fingers, but he hesitantly reached out to pull Jared's fingers away from his arms. "At first. And then... and th-then we were trying to figure it out but wh-whenever we asked you what was wrong you didn't answer and... a-and then…" He started blinking uncontrollably and slowly some tears started to appear. "Then I thought you h-hated me again and-"

Jared groaned. "Listen, let's get one thing clear here, I never hated you, okay?"

"Okay sure." Evan exhaled shakily and waved his arms. "But you didn't e-exactly l-like me either so-"

"That's not true either, but I'm not going there right now."

"Yes! Go there! Just t-talk to me!" Pulling gently, Evan came closer. "Please. I've-I've missed you."

Jared grit his teeth against the tears again. _Then why-_ "Then why didn't you care?"

"Wh-what?" Evan's voice was faint and Jared hated it. It felt like he was being the bad guy. As always.

"Why the _fuck_ didn't you care that I didn't talk to you for a whole month, Hansen?" Both of them were crying by now, Evan shaking like a leave. "Nobody did! You didn't, my alleged friends didn't! My parents didn't! Everyone was happier while I wasn't talking."

"Th-that's not true!" Evan was grabbing at his shoulders now. "Jared, I've been-I've been going crazy asking myself why you wouldn't-wouldn't talk to me. I'm sorry I told you to shut up, I've just been stressed a-and the test was in two days a-and I've had a fight with my mom that day and I never should have y-yelled at you and I'm sorry." His hands moved up to the sides of Jared's neck. "I'm sorry, Jared. Of course-of course I care, I lo-" He stopped suddenly, hands settling on Jared's shoulders instead. "Of course I care."

 _What._ Jared was staring at him with wide eyes, thoughts rushing through his head. "What… what were you about to say?"

Evan averted his eyes, staring at the wall to the right. "That I care. A-a lot."

"No." Jared grabbed at his arms. "It was something else."

"Jared I can't-"

"Please." Evan looked back at him when his voice broke and fuck now Jared was blushing.

Evan took a shaky breath, hands moving back to his neck. "I..." Jared's heart jumped when one of the hands moved into his hair. Ok this was happening.

"Please." It wasn't even a whisper, more of a breath and then Evan's lips where on his and it was like the whole fucking month had never happened.

Kissing back came as naturally as breathing. Well, if you didn't happen to have a panic attack, which he thankfully didn't. So yes, kissing back came naturally.

Evan's hand in his hair also felt natural and Jared was so glad that he had taken off his glasses before, because this was perfect. This was so fucking perfect.

Sure, both their faces were wet with tears and Jared was still breathless from half a panic attack and Evan was still shaking like a fucking leave. But his lips were also incredibly soft and his hands were gentle and holy fuck, Evan Hansen was kissing him.

Pouring everything of himself into the kiss, Jared couldn't stop. His arms had made their way around Evan's middle and it still didn't seem nearly close enough. He had to... he needed to...

Evan was pulling back.

_No, no, no, please..._

"Don't say this was a mistake, please, please don't say that." Jared whimpered, but he was already pulling into himself, readying for the rejection that was clearly coming, the hate, the disgust, the…

"I lo-love you."

His eyes flew open and he could only stare at Evan, who was staring back, cheeks flushed and throat working nervously. That… he misheard that. He had to have misheard that. "S-say that again…"

Evan took a deep breath and drove the back of his hand over his damp eyes. "I love you."

The breath was knocked out of Jared's lunges when Evan smiled at him shakily. Tears were still streaming down his cheeks and he couldn't find the words. Any words, except, "Really?" He immediately saw that it was the wrong thing to say, because Evan just seemed to close off completely. "No! No, I didn't mean it like that, no." He reached out, grabbing both of Evan's hands, who eyed him anxiously. "I just… I just can't quite believe... it. You... are you sure?"

Evan actually let out a laugh at that, a shaky one, but a laugh. "Y-yes, Jared, I love you."

"I..." Blinking away more tears, Jared gripped his hands tighter. "God, I love you, too." He laughed, still not quite believing this was happening, still so unsure and confused. "I love you, too. I have, for so long, I-" He stopped himself and squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't mean to say that. "I didn't mean to say that.”

Evan made a protesting sound and pulled them both down to sit on the bed. "What didn't you mean to say?" He blinked when Jared met his eyes with uncertain ones.

"I didn't..." Taking a shaky breath, Jared forced himself to keep eye contact. "I've never hated you, Evan. I've never hated you."

Evan looked confused, but he shifted their hands and linked their fingers together. "I-I don't understand, you-you've said that already, I-Wait."

Not being able to keep looking, Jared shifted his gaze to their hands. "I'm sorry."

"No, Jared, I don't-I don't understand..."

"I'm a coward." He wished he could leave it at that but it was pretty obvious that he needed to explain more. "I'm a stupid coward. I... I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to act. I just knew-no I just thought that if you ever found out you would... you would hate..." His voice broke and he cleared his throat, still staring down at their hands, waiting for a sign - any sign - that Evan wanted to pull away. "You would hate me. And then it would hurt so much. So the obvious answer was to ignore you... but I couldn't, you were everywhere and I couldn't…" He swallowed. "So I thought, if I got you to hate me... if I was mean enough, you would leave because I was a dick and not… not because I was…" He couldn't even say it. He _still_ couldn't say it. "But you didn't... leave. You didn't leave and I hurt you more and more and you just wouldn't leave and I am so sorry, fuck I am so sorry, Evan, I-" he choked. He choked and he couldn't breathe.

"Jared." A hand was pulled away and he thought that he finally did it, Evan was finally ready to toss him aside and-the hand moved to his chest. He blinked up and stared as Evan pulled his own hand towards his chest. "Breathe. You need to breathe."

"O-okay, yeah," he stammered. "Breathe. I can do that." He honestly wasn't sure if he could, but somehow with Evan's help he managed to. Irregular and shaky at first, but stronger and stronger the more he concentrated on Evan's heartbeat. They just sat there, breathing for a few minutes until Jared slowly regained some control. "O-okay."

"Are you better?"

And Jared couldn't help but laugh at that. "How are you... how are you even real?" He chuckled miserably. "I tell you all of this... all this fucked up shit and you ask me if I'm OK?"

"I lied to a family that I was the best friend of their recently deceased son."

Jared flinched back, a pained sound escaping his throat. _'Tell everyone how you helped write emails pretending to be a kid who killed himself!_ '. He deserved that, he knew, but... "I-I know, I..."

"No, shit, Jared." Evan's hand on his cheek stopped him, the other looking distressed. "That's not what I was... _I_ did th-that! Me! That-that's on me." He gently reached up with both hands to swipe some of the tears away. "I've made-I've made so many mis-mistakes last year, so if you could-if you could forgive me f-for that, then I can de-definitely forgive you f-for what you did." Jared stared at him with wide eyes, taking deep breaths. "Listen... what you told me. That-that doesn't change a-anything. I love you." Evan leaned closer and pushed their foreheads together. "When-when Zoe kissed me… Every-every time Zoe kissed me, all I felt was-was guilt. All I could feel was g-guilt and self-self-hatred and nothing else." He sighed and swiped some more tears away. "But when you-when you started talking to me a-again, I felt like I was-like I was breathing again. Ye-yes I felt guilty, but just-just having you at my side again. It felt-felt like coming home."

"Ev…"

Evan shook his head. "We both fu-fucked up majorly. We both did. But-but we've learned to talk-to talk about it. A-and I want us to talk about everything."

Jared choked back the new tears this time. Seriously, enough. "I'm sorry." He couldn't help it. He still felt like he had to apologize for everything.

Evan smiled at him. "I'm sorry, too. For everything that ha-happened last year. And for-for not reaching out to you, this past month."

"I love you, Evan." Jared sniffed and brushed his arm over his face. "You have no idea how long I've..." He huffed out a breath and pulled Evan's hands into his lap. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too." Evan squeezed his hands and smiled again. "And I love you, too."

And because he could - because he finally could - Jared leaned forward and kissed Evan. He knew he would never get tired of this.

 

\---

 

Things didn't magically get better again. Jared didn't just turn back into the sarcastic chatterbox he used to be. His relationship with his parents was more strained than ever and he still sometimes felt panic when people suddenly talked to him.

But slowly Alana started to talk to him more, about private matters, not just school stuff. Slowly they started to bond more, through their sexualities, through video games and through a weird common obsession with cooking. Slowly they actually started to become friends. Real friends.

It was... nice. Jared didn't lose Evan - and he didn’t plan on doing that anytime soon - but it was nice to know that there was someone else. A second person who put up with his shit and actually enjoyed his company.

It took longer with Zoe and it never really went as deep as with Alana. Jared couldn't seem to shake years of resentment, years of jealously. It wasn't her fault, and he felt awful at times, but they both kept their distance.

Evan and Jared weren't particularly public about their new relationship status. They just sort of went back to the touchy, affectionate way they used to be as kids. And if people stared sometimes, or talked behind their backs, rumours spreading, well the Jared couldn't care less to be honest.

He had a boyfriend who loved him, just the way he was. He had a boyfriend who liked his voice, his humour, his wit and even put up with his sarcasm. He had a boyfriend who was wonderful and gentle and forgiving and absolutely stunning.

And it was good.

It was good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not everything gets resolved, Jared still doesn't know that Evan actually let go, but I'd like to believe that Evan definitely told him after a while.


End file.
